Stop Enabling Your Adult Child Financially
It's common for parents to enable their adult children financially. They may do it out of love or a desire to help, but it can actually do more harm than good.
When you stop enabling your young adult financially, they may feel upset or frustrated at first. But they need to learn how to live on their own. This is a signal that they need to get a job or figure out other ways to make money.
If you're a parent who's enabling your adult child, here are ten ways to stop:
1. Stop giving them money.
You may feel like you are doing your adult child a favor by giving them money, but in reality, this can stop them from becoming independent. By teaching your children how to budget and live on their own, you are preparing them for adulthood. It's important to set boundaries and stop giving your adult children money if you want them to become self-sufficient.
Let's look at an example.
Jane is 22 years old and still lives at home with her parents. She is periodically searching online job boards for job postings she might be interested in.
Before setting this boundary:
Jane: "Mom. Lisa asked me to go to the movies with her. Can I have money for the ticket and popcorn?"
Mom: "Sure, hon. That sounds like fun. How much do you need?"
What has Jane learned in this scenario? She has learned that her mother is an endless supply of money for funding her social life. There's no pressure to be less choosy about what jobs she applies for because there are no consequences for putting it off.
How to set this boundary:
Jane: "Mom. Lisa asked me to go to the movies with her. Can I have money for the ticket and popcorn?"
Mom: "No, I don't think so. You are 22 years old and should be able to pay for it with your own money."
What has Jane learned in this scenario? She has learned that she needs to start earning her own money because her mother will no longer be paying for her social outings.
2. Stop paying their bills.
If you are paying your adult child's bills, they will have little incentive to become financially independent. Not only is this unfair to your other children, but it can also stop your adult child from learning how to manage their money.
Begin by setting a limit on how much you are willing to pay for their bills and when you will stop completely, then encourage them to find other ways to cover the cost.
Let's look at an example.
Nathan is 26 years old, taking a few college courses, and working part-time at the bookstore on campus. He still lives at home and isn't paying for room and board. He needs a car to get to and from school, so his parents are letting him use their older car and are paying for his car insurance.
Before setting this boundary:
Nathan: "Hey Dad. Check out this new sound system at Best Buy. I'm thinking about buying it for my car. Could you help me install it?"
Dad: "Wow. That's pretty cool. Maybe I should buy one for my car too."
What has Nathan learned from this scenario? He has learned that it's okay for him to use the little money he earns for frivolous purchases because his parents will cover his real expenses.
How to set this boundary:
Nathan: "Hey Dad. Check out this new sound system at Best Buy. I'm thinking about buying it for my car. Could you help me install it?"
Dad: "That's a nice sound system, but it makes me feel taken advantage of when you talk about spending your money on things you don't need while I'm paying your car insurance. I think you should plan to take over the insurance payments, beginning in 6 months from now."
What has Nathan learned from this scenario? He has learned that he is being irresponsible and should start paying his own bills if he wants to continue using his parents' car.
3. Stop giving them a place to live.
If you are still providing your adult child with a place to live, it's time to have a conversation about when they plan to move out. Not only is this putting a strain on your finances, but it's also preventing them from learning how to live independently. Set a date for when they need to be out of the house and help them plan for it by finding an apartment or house to rent. This will teach them how to be responsible for their own living situation and start budgeting for rent or a mortgage.
It can be difficult to let go, but it's important for their development as an adult.
Let's look at an example.
Sarah is 25 years old and has been living at home since she graduated from college. She recently got a job as a marketing assistant and her parents would like her to start paying rent or to find a place of her own.
Before setting this boundary:
Sarah: "Mom, I got a job! I start next Monday."
Mom: "That's great, honey. What does the job pay?"
Sarah: "$39,000 a year."
Mom: "Wow. That's a lot of money. I'm really happy for you."
What has Sarah learned from this scenario? She has learned that she can continue living at home rent-free because her parents are willing to let her live there indefinitely.
How to set this boundary:
Sarah: "Mom, I got a job! I start next Monday."
Mom: "That's great, honey. What does the job pay?"
Sarah: "$39,000 a year."
Mom: "Wow. That's a lot of money. You can definitely afford to start paying rent now. I think you should start paying $500 a month in rent, beginning next month."
What has Sarah learned from this scenario? She has learned that she needs to start paying rent if she wants to continue living at home and that she can afford to do so with her new job. This may motivate her to look for her own place instead of paying her parents a big chunk of her income.
4. Stop co-signing for them.
Co-signing for loans is a huge financial responsibility and you should only do it if you are 100% confident that your child will be able to make the payments. If they can't, you'll be on the hook for the debt, and it could ruin your credit score. Before co-signing for any loans, have a serious conversation with your child about their ability to make the payments. If they can't give you a definite answer, it's best to say no.
Let's look at an example.
Mary wants to buy a new car, but her credit score is too low for her to qualify for a loan. She asks her mom to co-sign for the loan and her mom agrees.
Before setting this boundary:
Mary: "Mom, I really need a new car, but my credit score is too low for me to get a loan. Can you please co-sign for me?"
Mom: "Of course, honey. Whatever you need."
What has Mary learned from this scenario? She has learned that she can rely on her parents to help her out financially, even if she knows they may not be able to afford it themselves.
How to set this boundary:
Mary: "Mom, I really need a new car, but my credit score is too low for me to get a loan. Can you please co-sign for me?"
Mom: "I'm sorry, Mary, but I can't do that. It's too big of a financial responsibility for me to take on."
Mary: "But Mom, I really need a car. What am I supposed to do?"
Mom: "You'll have to find another way to finance the car. You could try saving up for it or see if you can get a loan from a family member or friend."
What has Mary learned from this scenario? She has learned that she can't rely on her parents to help her out financially every time she needs it. This may motivate her to be more responsible with her money and save up for big purchases instead of going into debt.
5. Stop paying their rent or mortgage
If your child is living on their own, they should be responsible for paying their rent or mortgage. This is a basic adult responsibility, and they need to learn how to budget for this expense. If you've been helping them out by paying their rent, it's time to stop.
Let's look at an example.
John is 30 years old and has been living in his own apartment for the past two years. His parents have been helping him out by paying half of his rent each month. John would like to move to a bigger apartment.
Before setting this boundary:
John: "Mom, I found a great apartment that's twice the size of my current one. It's only $1,000 a month. Can you help me out by paying half?"
Mom: "Of course, John. I'll send you the money this week."
What has John learned from this scenario? He has learned that he can always rely on his parents to help him out financially.
How to set this boundary:
John: "Mom, I found a great apartment that's twice the size of my current one. It's only $1,000 a month. Can you help me out by paying half?"
Mom: "I'm sorry, John, but I can't do that. You're a grown man and you need to learn how to budget for your own housing expenses."
John: "But Mom, I can't afford it on my own. What am I supposed to do?"
Mom: "You'll have to find a way to make it work within your budget. Maybe you can get a roommate or look for a cheaper apartment."
What has John learned from this scenario? He has learned that he can't rely on his parents to help him out financially every time he needs it. This may motivate him to be more responsible with his money and budget better for his living expenses.
6. Stop buying them things they want.
Understandably, you want to spoil your children, but if you are constantly buying them things they want, they will never learn how to save money or be independent. Instead of buying them the latest gadget or taking them on expensive vacations, try setting a limit on what you are willing and able to spend. By not spending a ton of money on them, they will likely be motivated to start earning and saving money for the things they really want.
Let's look at an example.
Shonda is 23 years old and lives in a dorm at college. She's talking to her father on the phone about her upcoming birthday.
Before setting this boundary:
Dad: "What do you want for your birthday, honey?"
Shonda: "I want the new iPhone."
Dad: "Okay, we'll make it happen."
What has Shonda learned from this scenario? She has learned that she can get anything she wants, as long as she asks her parents. This can lead to entitlement issues later on in life.
How to set this boundary:
Dad: "What do you want for your birthday, honey?"
Shonda: "I want the new iPhone."
Dad: "The new iPhone is too expensive. Yours is only 3 years old, anyway. Can you give me a few other, less expensive options?"
What has Shonda learned from this scenario? She has learned that she can't always get what she wants and that she needs to be more realistic with her expectations. This can help teach her budgeting and saving skills.
7. Stop buying their clothes.
If your adult child still relies on you to buy their clothes, it's time to stop. This is another basic adult responsibility that they need to learn how to budget for. Instead of buying them a new wardrobe every season, try giving them a gift card for their favorite clothing store on holidays or their birthday. This will set the precedent in their mind that getting clothes from you is a gift, not a right.
Let's look at an example.
Ajit is 23 years old and has been working a seasonal construction job for the past two years while living with his parents. He helps pay for groceries during the months that he works.
Before setting this boundary:
Dad: "Ajit, I noticed your clothes are looking a bit worn. Here, take my credit card and go buy yourself some new clothes."
Ajit: "Thanks, Dad!"
What has Ajit learned from this scenario? He's learned that he can always rely on his dad to buy him new clothes when he needs them.
How to set this boundary:
Dad: "Ajit, I noticed your clothes are looking a bit worn. You should probably get some new ones before your boss complains."
Ajit: "Yeah. I was getting ready to ask you for your credit card."
Dad: "I'm sorry, son, but you're old enough to buy your own clothes now. If new clothes aren't in your budget, maybe you can look for some sales or second-hand stores."
What has Ajit learned from this scenario? He's learned that he needs to be more mindful of his spending if he wants to afford new clothes. This could teach him valuable budgeting skills.
8. Stop paying their phone bill.
If your adult child is still on your phone plan, it's time for them to start paying their own way. Phone bills are another basic living expense that they need to learn how to budget for. If they can't afford to pay for their phone plan, then they shouldn't have one. I promise you this will be a great motivator for them to start earning money.
Let's look at an example.
Portia is 21 years old and just got her first job out of college. She's living at home with her parents while she saves up for an apartment.
Before setting this boundary:
Mom: "Your phone bill is due next week, Portia. I'll pay it for you this month, but you need to start paying for it yourself next month."
Portia: "I don't get paid until after the bill is due, so can you just pay it for me one more time?"
Mom: "Okay, but you need to start paying for it yourself the following month."
What has Portia learned from this scenario? She's learned that she can rely on her mom to pay her phone bill for her, even though she's an adult.
How to set this boundary:
Mom: "Your phone bill is due next week, Portia. I'll pay it for you this month, but you need to start paying for it yourself next month."
Portia: "I don't get paid until after the bill is due, so can you just pay it for me one more time?"
Mom: "No, I'm sorry. You're an adult now and you need to start paying your own bills. If you can't afford your phone bill, then you'll have to cancel your service."
What has Portia learned from this scenario? She's learned that she needs to be more mindful of her spending if she wants to keep her phone service. This could teach her valuable budgeting skills, and how she will have to make sacrifices when her budget is tight.
9. Stop picking up the tab every time you go out as a family.
If you are constantly picking up the tab for your adult child, they will never learn how to spend responsibly. When they know that they can always rely on you for free food and drinks, they will be less likely to save money for themselves. Start charging them for meals and drinks when they go out with you and see how quickly they learn how to budget their money.
Let's look at an example.
Sandy is 25 years old and has been working as a bank teller for the past two years. She lives at home with her parents to save money.
Before setting this boundary:
Dad: "Do you want anything to eat, Sandy?"
Sandy: "Oooh. I'd love a burger and fries. Oh, and a diet pop too."
Dad: "Okay, I'll go order for us."
What has Sandy learned from this scenario? She's learned that she can always rely on her dad to buy her food when she's hungry.
How to set this boundary:
Dad: "Do you want anything to eat, Sandy?"
Sandy: "Oooh. I'd love a burger and fries. Oh, and a diet pop too."
Dad: "That will be $12. Do you have the money?"
Sandy: "$12?! That's so expensive! I only have $5 on me."
Dad: "Well, then you'll have to choose something else from the menu that's cheaper."
What has Sandy learned from this scenario? She's learned that she needs to be mindful of her spending if she wants to eat out with her family. This could teach her valuable budgeting skills, and how to make sacrifices when her budget is tight.
10. Stop bailing them out of debt or financial trouble.
If you keep bailing your adult child out of financial trouble, they will never learn how to manage their money properly. If they know that they can always count on you to save them from bankruptcy or foreclosure, they will be less likely to take financial responsibilities seriously. Try waiting until your adult child has truly made an effort to get out of debt before you offer any help and see how much more responsible, they become with their finances.
Let's look at an example.
Brandon is 28 years old and has been working as an accountant for the past four years. He got married last year and his wife is expecting their first child next month. Brandon has credit card debt from when he was in college, and he's struggling to make the minimum payments each month.
Before setting this boundary:
Mom: "I can't believe you've gotten yourself into so much debt, Brandon. I'll have to help you pay off your credit cards."
Brandon: "I'm so sorry, Mom. I'll make sure to pay you back as soon as I can."
What has Brandon learned from this scenario? He's learned that he can rely on his mom to bail him out of financial trouble.
How to set this boundary:
Mom: "I can't believe you've gotten yourself into so much debt, Brandon. What are you going to do about it?"
Brandon: "I'm not sure. I was hoping you and Dad could help me out."
Mom: "I'm sorry, but we can't help you pay it. I can introduce you to my financial advisor, though. He's great!"
What has Brandon learned from this scenario? He's learned that he needs to be more responsible with his finances and that he can't always count on his mom to bail him out. He also learned that his parents aren't the only help available to him.
It can be difficult to set boundaries with an adult child, but it's important to do so to help them become more responsible adults. The tips we've provided should help you get started on setting boundaries with your adult children. Remember, the goal is not to punish them, but rather to help them learn how to make better decisions for their future.
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